Right folks, let me know how you think all this connects up:
I left [the parental] home a month before my 17 birthday (10 YEARS AGO!!) and really never looked back. I spent my 17th, 18th and the weekend of my 19th birthday with my parents, then after that it was all about time spent with friends. During university I wouldn’t have gone ‘home’ for summer; during the other holidays my stays were a matter of days. The summer I went into 3rd year of uni my parents moved to Africa.
Growing up my parents weren’t really around. For all of my life- until roughly I was 13- dad would have gone to work early, got home from work late, told us to turn the tv off. From perhaps primary 3 mum was working during the day so we’d often have a babysitter after school. From the age of about 9 or 10 until the time they left for Africa mum was a childminder- looking after other people’s kids took priority.
This mid- week I find myself back at ‘home’ (but a different building). The parents are back, and have been for three years now, and it’s my brother’s birthday coming up. Now I’ve never been much of a crier but at the old age of 27 years I cry on the first day of a stay at my parent’s house. Usually I blame it on being tired and today I thought it was only me missing that important person [who used to be] in my life, but what gets me all the other times?
But also today mum comes in from work and asks ‘how is your life?’. Now understand the situation: I tell my mum very little about my life. Having said that, she’s not completely behind on the times, and I would like to share with her the struggles I face but when faced with such a broad question…. What am I supposed to say?! Then follows her asking to see photos I took at last week’s wedding. Out comes my phone by which point she’s making arrangements for later, setting the table for dinner, and very much mind moved on from photographs.
Then there’s dad. Now this is something I really need to let go of and its a deep routed thing; not something actually happening in the here and now. Growing up he would have had a short temper. If something wasn’t working or he was frustrated he would make loud, angry noises. These days he’s better at processing disasters and responds almost accordingly. Earlier he was fixing the zip on my bag, because he’s kind that way. But for the whole time this is going on I’m really nervous because I think he’s going to become frustrated that things aren’t going as he’d like and out would come the angry noises. Totally stupid. But then there’s the times when he makes it sound like the whole world is out to get you. Today’s topic: prospective employers wanting one reference to be from your current employer leads to your current employer realising you’re looking for a job elsewhere so screwing you over by sacking you and finding a replacement… Now my dad is a smart, educated, sensible man, but not everyone is that cruel! Yet he thinks there are very few honest people out there- put like that though and I’d be tempted to agree.
So maybe I just miss my friends; perhaps I hate having this attention on me but at the same time hate not being given the appropriate space to share. Maybe I’m sad my parents don’t know the real me.