PTSD and Bravery

Well guys, hasn’t it been a while?! I think since I last posted I’ve gotten myself a MacBook- instead of borrowing everyone else! So much has changed….

On 27th September I leave the UK (via Dublin) and head to Brisbane, Australia for a year. I’m more than a little excited. When people have asked why I’m going I’ve said there’s nothing left here for me. No reason to stay is a good reason to go. With the packing up of various aspects of life comes the packing up of relationships, and with that comes the packing up/ sorting out/ last chance saloon of the ‘boy situ’. Yup, I still miss him.

Almost 7 months on and he’s still in my thoughts. Everyday I miss him but I’ve just gotten better at masking it or shutting it off. A bunch of us went for a picnic after church on Sunday and he was there. Like the church BBQ we’d had two weeks previously, the extent of our conversation was, me: “would you like *insert food item*?”, him: “no thanks”. Not much to play with there!

But with his stand off- ness and refusal to talk to me I know he’s hurting. He’s still hurting, and obviously I’m still hurting but we have no way around it. Well, I did something to get around it…. Back in May I put a scrapbook together. I’d been researching post traumatic stress disorder and relationships, and one thing I read was that sufferers forget memories: as a means of survival the brain gets rid of the information it doesn’t need. So I put together photos of us/ things we’d done together, added some captions, and explained that he’d trusted me before with his struggles and so he can continue to do that.

Pretty bold move claiming that the reason a person shuts you out of their life is a brain thing not a heart thing, and so I never gave him the book. Better to wait it out than go barging in and potentially destroy the relationship forever. But with me going away soon and knowing that I would leave without him saying anything to me (even if he wanted to) I made the move: I was brave and I packaged up the book and I left it at his door.

Now, I can get on my flight knowing I said everything I needed to. With time the memories of him will fade but at least I gave him room to speak out to me. Yes I’m waiting to hear back from him but I’m not anxious. I understand him more now than ever- which is daft seeing as we haven’t been together in such a long time- by piecing information together, and if he still has nothing to say he knows I love and care for him and that’s enough. He was enough but if I wasn’t then things need to end for sure.

In closing I think this is lovely, Rob Bell said recently:

We think the best relationships are when we get each other. Sometimes when you really love someone the most beautiful thing is that I get that I don’t get you. You get at me and something happens when I’m with you but you’re a mystery and that’s part of what it means to love you.

 

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