She and I are nothing without You

For the purpose of anonymity names have been changed. For my ‘usual’ readers ‘You’ = ‘Him’ = the boy/guy from which my blog originates.

November 2007: Craig and I met at CU in Dundee. This was the start of a beautiful friendship which includes living together in our final year, causing havoc on committee in our 2nd/3rd year, and many Clements coffees.

July 2012: Having myself moved to NI a year previously Craig introduced me to his sister Carol, who was returning to NI having studied in England for a few years. Carol and I didn’t have much in common but we were both ‘new’ to the city and looking to make friends. We would meet for coffee every now and then but we had other people we naturally spent time with.

August 2014: After keeping in regular enough touch between the months of March and August- when I was back in Scotland- Carol and I picked up our face- to- face friendship again but for one key reason…

August 2014: Returning to NI from Scotland- in a way kicking and screaming and forcing myself to trust God in the outworkings of my life- I met Him. He was everything I needed and didn’t need all rolled into one. I prayed that God would remove him from my life. I prayed that if this relationship was supposed to continue and develop I needed God’s full guidance in it. I prayed I wouldn’t fall like I did last time.

September 2014- December 2015: Carol and I saw each other loads. Carol and I saw Him, and the other boys loads. Carol and I really only ever talked about Him and the other boys. Looking back on messages the chat was always focused on him. We would spend time as a three, and as a six. She saw how happy He made me.

February 2016: Things ended between Him and I.

February 2016- September 2016: Carol was like that friend at the party…

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…She supported me, she really did, but if we weren’t talking about him then what were we talking about? The few tv shows we shared an interest in.

July 2016: Carol got engaged, and I was asked to be a bridesmaid.

September 2016: I went to Australia, and obviously this was really bad timing re: not being around for planning the wedding.

January 2017: Whilst at the same time making it clear that she misses having me around, Carol also makes it clear I’m getting the other bridesmaids’ backs up. All we talk about is the wedding and the hen do because I ask her questions about other stuff and she doesn’t answer. From the beginning of our friendship I have asked questions and received very few answers. I share about my life and I get nothing back.

March & April 2017: I’m not trusted to organise anything- she’d rather do it all herself. She doesn’t think my dress fits right and its my fault- I should have picked a bigger size. She has given another maid the authority to tell me what to do. She doesn’t care that I’m trying to move on from Him; she makes jokes about me being ‘too much’ for some guys. I head straight home after watching a program with her because I’m not convinced she wants to spend him with me/ I’m scared she’s going to find another wedding related issue to blame me for. I don’t know how to connect with her like I do with other friends.

I’m scared to talk about You because what if I never Get Over You? But, She and I are nothing without You.

Vacations and Wisdom

21st: When was your last vacation? Where was it?

Well… Thailand was approximately eight weeks ago. Or Brisbane, 7 months ago? Although that was no vacation.

And so here is where my story picks up again. On 27th September 2016 I boarded a plane to Brisbane for 1 year. On 10th March 2017 I boarded a plane from Chiange Mai to Belfast. I came ‘home’… It still hurts. I miss Brisbane, and some days I want to return. But I think about why I came back. I remember how I felt being there.

Before heading home from Australia I took a vacation to Chiange Mai, Thailand. I was there for eight days and really enjoyed it, though I was lonely. Chronically lonely. I loved walking the backstreets, eating food from the various stalls. I made the most of the hotel’s gym and pool, working on my tan before returning to the land where the sun hardly ever shines (not quite). It was restful but because I knew what lay ahead of me- and being aware there was much I didn’t know- my mind was constantly active.

 

22nd: The greatest wisdom comes from…

God. Duh. Eleanor is wise too.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.- James 1:5

…because they perceived that the wisdom of God was in him to do justice.- 1 Kings 3:28

 

Tinder Rambling

So I’ve never really been interested in using Tinder. I’ve heard the stories and really, I don’t think it’s the way I’ll find my spouse. It’s only ever been installed on my phone for max. 24 hours before I get bored and disinterested, or disheartened, or disgusted…but two weeks ago a good friend and avid Tinder user told me to install it again and have a little heart.

So I installed it, and I gave it some time, and I didn’t uninstall it 24 hours later. And I matched with some guys. One of them sent me a message. Lets say his opening line told me a great deal about his personality and I didn’t like his opening line, so I unmatched him. Then another guy messaged me and his message was good. We appeared to have loads in common! We were in similar life situations, both really looking to run away to warmer countries. We had good chat, lived real near to each other…. So we exchanged some messages and seemed to be in a rhythm of communication, then it stopped. No word from him in days.

Now this is maybe where the point of this post is: I’m not saying he should have messaged me back already. I’m not freaking out because I don’t think he’s interested anymore. I’m just not a ‘game player’. I don’t agree with all that ‘wait six hours after he’s messaged you before replying’ business. If I’m out of work/ not with friends/ not doing something I should be doing then why wouldn’t I reply? We’re all grown ups with lives and all we’re trying to do is communicate so surely if we want to talk to someone then we do it? Surely we don’t have to wait around in an attempt to not freak the other person out… So maybe what I’m saying is, was he bothered that I replied roughly 2 hours after he sent his message, rather than purposefully holding off 12 hours?!

Five Year Journal

Well…. Seven months later and I’m back. Back early. Way too early. That story could be a whole blog series in itself but its so raw; I still don’t really know what to make of it. But to the point of this post…

At the beginning of 2017 I decided to join the many around the world who daily write a one liner from a prompt or answer briefly a question. The idea is that you answer the same question/prompt on that same date for five whole years, with the intention of looking back to see how you got to where you now find yourself. This quick, just before bed task has worked well for me, with some of the questions having very obvious or fitting for that day answers. My issue is however that sometimes one line is not enough. One sentence is not enough to answer a question or to contain all the thoughts I’m having. So I thought I’d take to keyboard and screen to flesh out some of the answers I’ve by way of pen and paper contained, compacted, half- answered.

For this to work I can only really start from today (well, for the purpose of today’s post I can go back two days). Answers from the past have been given- I can’t change what my answer for that day was. I can’t second guess what other details I would have added, had I been given the space. So here is a little insight into my world from today. Here are the tiny steps I’m taking daily, on the bigger journey that is life.

April

19th: Today was…

…nice enough. Full of food and lacking in sleep. Oddly warm, but rainy too. The start of a new working life perhaps. A nice change from the norm.

20th: What are you glad you did today?

Have dinner with Jayne. After a week on holiday from work, not really seeing anyone because they’re all off and away for Easter, it was so good seeing Jayne and sharing life with each other. I’ve not been eating particularly well either so a hearty home-made veggie mince and vegetable pasta bake was what my body needed.