She and I are nothing without You

For the purpose of anonymity names have been changed. For my ‘usual’ readers ‘You’ = ‘Him’ = the boy/guy from which my blog originates.

November 2007: Craig and I met at CU in Dundee. This was the start of a beautiful friendship which includes living together in our final year, causing havoc on committee in our 2nd/3rd year, and many Clements coffees.

July 2012: Having myself moved to NI a year previously Craig introduced me to his sister Carol, who was returning to NI having studied in England for a few years. Carol and I didn’t have much in common but we were both ‘new’ to the city and looking to make friends. We would meet for coffee every now and then but we had other people we naturally spent time with.

August 2014: After keeping in regular enough touch between the months of March and August- when I was back in Scotland- Carol and I picked up our face- to- face friendship again but for one key reason…

August 2014: Returning to NI from Scotland- in a way kicking and screaming and forcing myself to trust God in the outworkings of my life- I met Him. He was everything I needed and didn’t need all rolled into one. I prayed that God would remove him from my life. I prayed that if this relationship was supposed to continue and develop I needed God’s full guidance in it. I prayed I wouldn’t fall like I did last time.

September 2014- December 2015: Carol and I saw each other loads. Carol and I saw Him, and the other boys loads. Carol and I really only ever talked about Him and the other boys. Looking back on messages the chat was always focused on him. We would spend time as a three, and as a six. She saw how happy He made me.

February 2016: Things ended between Him and I.

February 2016- September 2016: Carol was like that friend at the party…

…She supported me, she really did, but if we weren’t talking about him then what were we talking about? The few tv shows we shared an interest in.

July 2016: Carol got engaged, and I was asked to be a bridesmaid.

September 2016: I went to Australia, and obviously this was really bad timing re: not being around for planning the wedding.

January 2017: Whilst at the same time making it clear that she misses having me around, Carol also makes it clear I’m getting the other bridesmaids’ backs up. All we talk about is the wedding and the hen do because I ask her questions about other stuff and she doesn’t answer. From the beginning of our friendship I have asked questions and received very few answers. I share about my life and I get nothing back.

March & April 2017: I’m not trusted to organise anything- she’d rather do it all herself. She doesn’t think my dress fits right and its my fault- I should have picked a bigger size. She has given another maid the authority to tell me what to do. She doesn’t care that I’m trying to move on from Him; she makes jokes about me being ‘too much’ for some guys. I head straight home after watching a program with her because I’m not convinced she wants to spend him with me/ I’m scared she’s going to find another wedding related issue to blame me for. I don’t know how to connect with her like I do with other friends.

I’m scared to talk about You because what if I never Get Over You? But, She and I are nothing without You.

Songs in the keys of strife

We are allowed to protest! And say things as they truly are.

Even love gets tired sometimes 

“I told myself I’d be alright if you were mine”

“Long is the road that leads me home”

…take away this burden and bury it before it buries me.

“O my God, where are you now?… Your unending love for me keeps me singing in my darkest hour”

Everyone is equally vulnerable but all can have peace. ‘Watchman psalm’: make me rise like a newborn child.

“In a living building there’s room for you; in this house of healing we’ll be made good as new”

The only way we can approach God is through honesty.

Psalm 40 MSG…

Having feelings is perfectly normal, let them out.

Remind yourself of the sheer brutality of the crucifixion. That is not our story.

Another Today

It’s not often that I dread going to work but I really don’t want to go tomorrow. I want to sleep for as long as my body allows, then hide under the covers until this feeling goes away. Without it hurting I want to know tomorrow what I know right now: that I don’t need this and I shouldn’t have to to-and-fro between being made to feel that I’m only just enough, and being worth nothing.

He needs to let me go. Enough of the sad face and the ‘I still want to be friends but I think we should see less of each other’. I made the decision to stop seeing you: don’t you dare convince me that I can handle being just your friend then dictate how often we’ll communicate! You don’t treat me like that. You don’t treat anyone like that. Let me go so I don’t have to feel bad for not killing myself over you.

You have sacrificed me on the altar of your fears and insecurities. All I wanted to do was love and support you, but I guess I should be thankful that in certain terms you’ve made this easy for me. You have become the person I never fathomed you could be, so I’m ‘walking away’ and praying you are grown up enough to see its the fairest thing for us both.

You are sick and so am I. Let there not be blame or misunderstanding or excuses. Let us go our separate ways.

Such a Good Friday

I feel like I’ve done a lot of typing today. I wanted to catch up from yesterday (apologies, I was at a wedding) and being the way I am I wanted to keep with two or three blog posts per day. But with all this typing comes many emotions. As many bloggers have probably blogged, this week is Holy Week and today is Good Friday.

Articulation isn’t one of my strong points so I won’t try to convey all of my thoughts and emotions regarding this dark but at the exact same time, light, period in the calendar but I do have a few things to say. I am so incredibly thankful. I kind of want to break out in song because so many lines perfectly sum up what I want to say.

“Praise the Father, praise the Son, praise the Spirit love has won. Christ has conquered death and shame. Christ has risen, praise His name”
The question ‘who do you think Jesus is?’ comes to mind. Well I know He’s my Saviour. I know He was obedient to the point that we as fully human beings will never display. He knows betrayal and abandonment. He endured severe beatings, and was humiliated- all in less than a 24 hour period. 

Times of desperation can harden or soften us but Christ’s crucifixion calls us to think on the real identity of The Son of God. I can go through mental state after mental stability after mental flooring and I can make it difficult for myself by loathing in self pity or I can give God the honour He deserves by proclaiming Him King over my life, resting in the freedom that is mine, comforted in the knowledge that Jesus paid it all- mentally, physically, spiritually- so all to Him I owe. He walked my hurts before I ever knew them, and He has made a way for peace.